Have you ever been apart of the 5 1/2 mile club? You may have a lot of whippersnappers hooping and hollering about the mile high club! So what! You had sex on a plane! It probably lasted for a few seconds and now your back to your seat as a regular passenger. But have you ever been apart of the 5 1/2 mile club?! For an hour and 30 minutes or five hours? If you have successfully pull this off, you now can be consider a real person of importance.
Inquiring minds want to know, what is the 5 1/2 mile club?! The 5 1//2 mile club is one of the greatest pinnacles of parenthood. Yes parenthood! Folks, I am 4 miles above mile high foolishness club because, I'm a parent flying with little kids or even worst a BABY. You got to go out to visit family and you know you got to see them because they'll never come to see you!.... They say they will visit but never do! Anyway! You want your kids to have some type of connection with your extended family, but before you do that, I'm going to give you 7 tips and strategies to make your trip between A and B a lot smoother.
1. Sharing Your Baby with Your Seat Mate.
By some virtue of the cosmos, you're lucky seat mates get to sit next to you and your stink pot!
I have seen some people eyes tear up and bang their head against the seat, start to furiously text on their phone, probably to their psychiatrist with disbelief when they realize my son and I are going to sit next to them. Most of the time passengers do not want to sit next to your ratchet kids. If you get separated, most passengers don't mind switching so they can get away from them. If they offer to switch! Take it! If they do not switch, just tell them a small disclaimer that they're certified crazy and they're not up to date on their vaccinations. You have been warned!
2. Feeding Baby on an Aircraft.
My son is always hungry when he is not sleeping, he's eating. Bringing mushy baby food is a big no-no because they will have it everywhere and on everyone sitting in that row! Bring a bag of dry cereal like Cheerios, sliced apples, and don't forget 3 ounce bottle water!... Don't get cute and bring yogurt or you'll be smelling like Chobani for the rest of the flight.
3. Entertaining Baby on Aircraft.
Bring a toy that does not make a lot of noise and it keeps them entertained. If you have to breakdown to give him your cell phone do it! Anything! To keep them from acting like a slobbering Tasmanian Devil that smells like baby powder!
4. Baby Sleeping on Aircraft.
Your baby is asleep! If you reached this point, you have reached the greatness of likes of Frederick Douglass, Mahatma Gandhi. Hell, is almost the equivalent of catching the game winning touchdown in the Super Bowl, because you are now on easy street. If your child rocks the baby pacifier... Bring it! This will save your ears and everyone in the cabin. If your baby's ear start to pop, they will scream louder than 4 engines on a Boeing 747. Do everything to set the mood and it's okay for you to catnap too, but do not enter that third level of deep sleep! Because no one wants to fumbled the baby on the 1 yard line. With your luck the regional director of DFaCS was sitting behind you and witness the whole thing...... You're going to jail now!
5. Connecting Between Flights with Your Kids or Baby.
If you are not properly set up to mobilize, you will fail miserably! You have to travel light with a backpack with tons of compartment and pockets. Purchase about four mountain climber clips, so you can attach bags and the car seat to your pack to keep your hands free. For those of you who are big on the Cadillac Escalade stroller. This is only beneficial with one parent and two kids. But if it's 1 to 1 it's time to man up or mom up and put that baby in a carrier. Wear cargo pants because the two big pockets on the side leg are a lifesavers for storing snacks, wipes and diapers. Always! Change the pamper 10 minutes before boarding! Also, you better utilize this time to drop your own ones and twos in the commode. .....A bad case of the Hersey squirts and babysitting do not mix!
6. Search and Recovery
There's no question of if is going to happen.... Because is going to happen!
Your kids want to bring every single toy they ever owned onto the airplane. Let's face it! Sitting in a chair for hours is no fun. During the time between takeoff and landing just like your luggage, items tends to shift during the flight. So will the toys and gadgets! I've had my daughters toy rollback seven isles. Now I'm on the Easter egg hunt staring between passengers legs looking for a toy. Believe me! Tons of fun! Don't be in a rush to get off the plane let everyone get off before you so you have time to collect all your items including your sanity.
You have not really earned your badge until you pull this off. The degree of difficulty is increased greatly if there's no baby changing station on the aircraft. First, you have to put the seat down on the toilet and since I never do this at home is kinda new to me! Secondly Take a seat and lay your baby across your lap with their head towards the door and there butt towards you! There is no way that you can stop them from touching everything inside the commode so quit being a germaphobe and just let them do it. With your left hand you will grab their ankles and your right hand will do all the dirty work. Since all the toiletries are to your right! Now if you know you are dealing with a blowout (a diaper filled to the maximum with crap) is best to let the flight attendant know before you enter the lavatory so she will not come banging on the door because you been in there for 89 minutes dealing with the bio-hazmat situation.
Finally, it might be easier to run an Ultra marathon and climb Mount Everest in the same day than to board in aircraft with a cranky baby loaded with crap! Most people are crippled by the thought of traveling on an airplane with the children. If you dare to take the challenge at 30,000 feet and you are successful with all these test before you then you will become officially part of one of Parenthood's greatest honor the 5 1/2 mile club.
